How to Cheat in Exams

As another school year draws to its grinding conclusion, students around the world are preparing to face Nemesis, the spirit of divine retribution against those who succumb to Promethean hubris all the rest of the year – the end of year exams. The implacable executrix of justice – and sacrificial goddess of all educators – gets her own back on our behalf. So, here are a few simple tips on how to circumvent her mendacity with minimal effort. I make no reference to any people groups in particular, but, you all know who you are….
  • If asked to write a critique about a poem, write the title of the poem followed by the words “is about man’s relationship with nature.” This will appeal to the marker who’s probably a tree-hugging anorak.
  • If you’re going to permanently tattoo answers on your forearm, make sure a) they are correct – have a grown-up check them first for you – b) you tattoo them the right way round – important for physics – and make sure it’s for an exam in a subject you really love.
  • Have everyone take out their textbooks and cheat all at once, sometimes referred to as the ‘Oh, Captain, my Captain’ principle. They can’t fail everybody. Or, can they?
  • Offer the examiner money. It sometimes works, really it does, if the price is right. Mathematicians are expensive. Be advised.
  • When passing notes that have answers written on them, be sure not to label the note “Test Answers”, ’cause it’s a bummer if you get caught.
  • Some schools equip classrooms with hidden cameras to catch cheaters, or entrepreneurs, whichever you prefer. A simple low-inductance capacitor bank appropriately modulated with a three-way phase adapter discharged into a single-loop antenna can send out an electromagnetic pulse capable of disabling all cameras within a three-block radius. This will give you a three point five minute window at the most. Use it well. Regrettably, however, your BlackBerry upon which you had been relying for external text updates, will also fail to function. Don’t get caught plugging it in, will you…
  • It is notoriously difficult to cheat on most applied mathematics tests, since the examiner actually expects you to apply what you have learned. It’s probably best to avoid taking these classes altogether.
  • No matter how small, crib notes can be conspicuous, especially when used as missiles. Commit them to memory for an innovative, unencumbered cheating method. Carpe diem.

One thought on “How to Cheat in Exams

  1. I am impressed with your suggestions. Cheating seems hardly necessary these days as open note, textbook optional, and my personal favorite, 'collaborative knowledge assessment' are more and more common. I am of the opinion that if there's no real, legitimate way to thwart due process, the teachers should go for coffee and leave the test-takers in the capable hands of the school janitor. Starbucks, anyone?


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