The Right Man

Now that DSK is out of the running for the French Presidency it’s a wide open field. As part of the selection procedure I think that potential candidates should fill out a questionnaire to determine their suitability for high office. This is a work in progress, obviously, but I thought something along these lines might be quite a promising start.

What’s the greatest threat to world peace?
  • Terrorism.
  • Godlessness.
  • Barack Hussein Obama.
  • Intolerance.
  • Environmental damage
  • Barack Hussein Obama
  • All of the above
What about the gays, then?
  • They will Burn in Hell.
  • Equal rights for all would be nice, but I can’t see it happening somehow.
  • As long as they stay in the Church where they belong, that’s fine by me.
  • Everyone should be eligible for a civil union. Including animals.
  • Whatever.
Have you ever obliterated a village?
  • Yes.
  • No, but I want to.
  • No, but I’ve killed the equivalent population of a small Siberian town.
  • Only a simulated one online.
  • Not that I can remember, but…
  • Absolutely not. That would be cruel.
  • Women have the right to choose.
  • Some women have the right to choose…
  • It’s murder.
  • God does not condone it, so I don’t either.
  • Whatever.

Do you have a mistress?
  • Of course I do. I thought it was compulsory.
  • I have been flawlessly faithful to my lovely heiress wife for thirty years.
  • I’m gay, you moron.
What about the plight of the homeless?
  • They continue to be marginalised, and more must be done to help them.
  • I’m afraid I don’t know any.
  • Who gives a shit? I certainly don’t.

What was your stance on the war in Iraq?
  • It was an illegal war, and frankly, I didn’t trust the President’s motives.
  • We brought freedom to an oppressed people. Almost.
  • We shouldn’t be sticking our noses in other peoples’ business.
  • The price of fuel can alienate some voters.
  • I’m mindful of the long-term environmental damage caused by depleted uranium.
  • Whatever.
Stem cell research?
  • I’m against it.
  • I’m in favour.
  • I really don’t give a shit about trees.
What’s your deepest, darkest secret?
  • I was a crackhead and an alcoholic; I killed someone in a car crash, but I think I got away with it.
  • I committed some questionable acts while part of the armed services.
  • I frequently walk around with a concealed sidearm. It makes me feel secure, somehow.
  • I may have shot and killed someone, but I’m not sure, being drunk at the time.
  • I hate most people. All the time, as it happens.
  • I’m squeaky clean. As a button. Really.
If you could have a catchphrase, what would it be?
  • “Rock and roll!”
  • I’m glad you asked me that”
  • “Well, that’s a difficult question, and quite honestly …”
  • “For our children!”
  • “Freedom!”
  • Father, forgive.”
  • All of the above. But not on the same occasion, of course.

I think this would go a long way towards weeding out unsuitable centrist candidates thus leaving a clear, unequivocal choice between Sarkozy and Le Pen.

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