Her Majesty the Queen is now accepting CVs from interested applicants for the shortly to be vacated position of Archbishop of Canterbury. Though no prior archepiscopal experience is necessary, applicants should be strongly motivated to maintain a robust status quo, with a proven ability to lead or at least offer a bit of direction to a worldwide communion, work with dangerous animals (including women, evangelicals, Anglo-Catholics and tabloid journalists), at least offer to single handedly reform British society, and generally please everyone at all times, especially Muslims. Experience in performing high profile weddings and presiding over Lambeth Conferences is highly desirable. The successful applicant will almost certainly be required to relocate and should look good in purple. Bearded candidates are especially encouraged to apply – a spokeswoman from Lambeth Palace said “Make no mistake. In this race, the beard is king.”
For full details of emolument, including travel and baggage allowance (a wife is a positive asset) health benefits (including dental), superannuation, and free accommodation, please contact firstname.lastname@example.org.
The Church of England is an equal opportunity employer and does not discriminate on the basis of race or sexual orientation. Quite the reverse, as it happens. Druids, shamans and others from minority fringes are encouraged to submit applications. Women need not apply at this time.
Shortlisted candidates will be informed via Facebook and interviewed on Skype.