Satire, together with mindless slaughter, is quite popular these days, or “trending steeply”, as we technophiles are apt to put it, so in the timeless words of Monty Python, “…and now for something completely different.”
I went to an Alpha Course launch party last night including free wine and nibbles. I was made to wear a name badge; in light of which, I found myself musing on the philosophy of Immanuel Kant instead of watching the video, a kind of reverse praxis. It left me thinking that church needs remodelling to improve user experience, like Facebook. In the grand and relatively newly-discovered liberal belief system, the spiritual equivalent of the Sky Fairy, there’s no such thing as a silly idea, just an idea whose time has not yet come. And, ideas that never will be because some hegemonic pensioner has blocked it at the committee stage. Not forgetting, of course, ideas that just piss people off. So, here’s a few suggestions of my own.
|Bring your own pebble|
Liturgical clog-dancing to a trance-like, hypnotic beat to encourage the practice of inner spirituality. This to include pebble-holding with closed eyes and Theravada chanting. Once a month, replaced by Adult Church with mud and optional wrestling.
Much noisier worship, to include throwing paper aeroplanes in the shape of doves to encourage younger worshippers. This to include a visit from the liturgical panda, complete with mitre, when passing the Peace – an idea I got from visiting Disneyland – there’s a nice ecology tie-in here.
Replacing the prayers of confession with a short aromatherapy session, so everybody feels better about the things they’ve done wrong without getting all grovelly about it. As an incentive, a points system for sin, in the style of traffic violations, including public naming, shaming and in serious cases, tarring and feathering. Might be an opportunity for a bit of interfaith dialogue, instead of a prayer closet at the end of the service, a shari’a court could be made available to implement punishments.
All female church greeters to be dressed in matching bikinis in colours consonant with changing liturgical seasons, to give people the impression that they’re visiting Abercrombie and Fitch.
This is a work in progress, really, so I welcome ideas from kindred souls. Or not.