Fourteen-Nil

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The French Ladies Football Team 2013

It’s been really encouraging to get some good news at last, at the end of what’s been something of a merde of a year. Not for me, you understand; the fact that quite a number of celebrities have passed away has more to do with the fact that the cult of celebrity mushroomed in the 1960s and we’re simply more familiar with their names as they appear in the obituary columns.

We also saw a surprise breakthrough in the Middle East, a parting gift from a wildly popular outgoing POTUS who simply elected to do nothing in the UNSC. We knew all along that it was only a matter of time before all right-thinking people stood behind resolution 2334, which informed us that settlements in East Jerusalem, and the West Bank – they meant Judea and Samaria but it had to fit on a single sheet of A4, so had to use the short version – are a “major obstacle” to peace. So, it’s nice to be able to record that all conflicts have ended and peace has immediately spread to all corners of that previously volatile region. Salmon fishing in the Yemen is scheduled to begin again after all the landmines have been removed from dried-up river beds, for example.

The Mid East Beast quotes the UNSG: “I had begun to think that we might be disproportionately targeting the Israelis but clearly these results show it was the right approach,” Ban Ki-Moon was overheard saying in a Chinese restaurant yesterday. “Prime Minister Netanyahu even called me to apologise for saying so many nasty things about the UN in the past. Turns out, we’re not so useless after all!”

The fourteen-nil resolution has set off a domino effect in the Middle East with ISIS immediately disbanding, their leadership offering heartfelt and public apologies across all media outlets for having caused so much trouble and offering to replace the Qu’ran with free copies of Torah and the Gospel of John in its now all-inclusive co-educational schools. Hamas has offered free ‘tunnel tours’ for the IDF preparatory to complete dismantlement and the rubble used to rebuild Gazan homes, roads and other infrastructure damaged in Operation Protective Edge which Hamas have officially been quoted as acknowledging “we asked for”.  Bashar Al-Assad in a most statesmanlike address to the nation has agreed terms on a unity government with Syrian rebel groups, Shi’ite and Sunni Muslims are lunching together in Iraq and the Kurds have been offered unconditional statehood, effective immediately.  World media outlets report stabilisation in Libya, Afghanistan and Lebanon, and Iran’s unilateral decision to shut down its nuclear enrichment program and build a synagogue in downtown Tehran to accommodate an unexpected surge in conversions has been met with quiet approval from its mullahs.

Palestinian president Mahmoud Abbas was, as usual, quick to encourage: “We always knew that (Israel and) the settlements were the root of all of the issues in the region” he remarked. “The passage of the resolution puts us on the path to absolute peace and stability”  he went on, rubbing his hands together. “And once we get rid of all the Jews, everything will fall into place!”

Fourteen-nil. This scoreline hasn’t been seen since France’s ladies’ soccer team  beat Bulgaria in 2013. Oh, yes – the All-Blacks tour to Israel next year has been cancelled. Can’t imagine why.

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